1244：The Guru/The True Miracle

I prostrate to his Eminence Rinchen Dorjee Rinpoche, his Holiness, Achi protector, the Buddhas and Bodhisattvas, the Lineage gurus and Dharma protectors. I am grateful to his Eminence Rinchen Dorjee Rinpoche for allowing me to share about how Rinpoche gave me permission to make offerings again and repent but most of all to Thank you Rinpoche for saving my life, my arm and at least 3 of my brothers lives and for the safety and countless blessings bestowed upon my family and I since, I became your disciple.

My name is Patricia MacDonald and I am in Group 4. I took refuge on October 13, 2013 and have been a disciple for more than 10 years. Two years ago I finally began to wake up because I was not allowed to make offerings. Before that time, I thought I was practicing very well but I was not. I was very arrogant and didn’t believe I was evil. My practice was very superficial because I thought I was doing well and I never truly repented because I couldn’t see my flaws. I was looking at others and not myself.

When I met his Eminence Rinchen Dorjee Rinpoche he told me that Buddhism was about changing yourself. I have failed to do this for most of my time as a Buddhist. I feel ashamed that I have wasted so much time. I am grateful to his Eminence Rinchen Dorjee Rinpoche for shocking me and helping me to see myself more clearly and finally be able to begin to practice his precious teaching. I repent from my heart for the suffering I have caused to all sentient beings.

About 3 and a half years ago I got angry at my Boss and the result was I had to leave my job. This is a negative habit I have. I will endure things that make me angry for a long time but then I will lose my temper. It has happened many times in my life. As a Buddhist when I do this, I am breaking my precepts.

When I got angry this time I told my Boss and the Principal of my school I would leave when my contract finished. Although I later changed my mind, it was too late and they hired another teacher but I didn’t know until the job ended. I have done this before at a different job. My money was gone when I started working at another school. I borrowed some from my family but they couldn’t give me much. So I asked if I could borrow some from Rinpoche.

Now I see when I asked if I could borrow money from Rinpoche I had a greedy heart. I said how much I needed and asked if I could get it by a certain time. I was treating Rinpoche like an ATM machine. I forgot the graces of my Guru and his precious teaching. Rinpoche gave me the money I needed. Thank you Rinpoche. Rinpoche always tells us to focus on our heart but I forgot this lesson because of my greed and selfishness.

I wanted to return the money to Rinpoche but I knew he would not take it. I thought I could make an offering and return it that way. On Saturday I planned to see Rinpoche to repent for getting angry at my Boss and make an offering. Before the Saturday arrived, I got a message from my contact person about Rinpoche’s instructions to me. She said Rinpoche said if I hadn’t changed not to come before him to repent. He said he didn’t want my money and I should save it. I knew Rinpoche’s words were the truth and that meant I hadn’t changed myself, but I couldn’t believe it was happening. I was in deep shock for quite a while. It was so painful to see the truth about myself. My offering was impure because I was trying to pay Rinpoche back not make offering. This was not an offering. This was dishonest and deceptive and not something a Buddhist should do.

Rinpoche warned me about my anger at a previous time saying I was too emotional. I did not listen. At that time I saw Rinpoche as a man, not a bodhisattva. I had many inappropriate thoughts about my guru because I didn’t have true reverence toward Rinpoche. Rinpoche made me aware of another problem I had. Rinpoche told me I should talk to a doctor at the center about how he was able to change and I was not. When I talked to him I realized what I had been doing wrong.

I was brought up Catholic. My habit was to repent more than once because I never changed the cause of my problem. I didn’t listen to Rinpoche or follow his words. So for many years I have been practicing like a Catholic. Catholics repent whenever they make a mistake. I have been breaking my precepts by doing this. Buddhists repent only once and do not repeat the same mistake. Why do I make repeat the same mistake again and again because I have not determined to leave the cycles of reincarnation? Now I know I am evil. Before this happened I still believed I could handle my life and my karma. It is not true, only Rinpoche’s blessing can help me handle the karma I will face. I am truly helpless until I surrender to the guru. This is another problem I have, I am afraid of suffering. Again I lack faith and complete trust in my guru.

Rinpoche’s name can help and liberate sentient beings in all realms. Even Rinpoche’s breath can liberate sentient beings. Rinpoche is the miracle. He shows me miracles all the time. How can I have any doubt? I can because I have too much self. So I must get rid of myself so I can practice correctly. Rinpoche often tells us changing yourself is very difficult. I am aware of my mistakes because Rinpoche didn’t allow me to make offerings. I am grateful to be aware of my evil. Thank you Rinpoche. When I implored Rinpoche to make offerings again, he told me to go before the committee.

The committee helped me to remember Rinpoche’s teaching. True offering is in action not in words or ideas. I know Rinpoche refused my offering because it was greedy and impure. It was not made for other sentient beings but to serve myself. Rinpoche has told us so many times about the heart of offering but I didn’t practice it or serve my guru properly. This is slander of the Buddha dharma.

I must truly repent and not make the same mistake so I can change my heart.
My heart has been transformed by Rinpoche’s teaching and every day I know how blessed I am to have such a teacher. Rinpoche has taught me to open my heart and believe that the impossible is possible. I want to follow Rinpoche so I can change my human heart into the heart of a bodhisattva and serve my guru. Thank you Rinpoche for showing me how to change my heart.

Rinpoche is the living dharma. Everything Rinpoche says or does is pure dharma. He is the true light that shows me the way to practice the bodhisattva path. When I use my own thoughts and ideas to practice I turn away from this light. I am a human. Rinpoche is a bodhisattva. Only Rinpoche can teach me to be a bodhisattva. Only through diligent practice of Rinpoche’s teaching can I uncover my Buddha nature. I have to be close to Rinpoche in every moment by believing the truth of his dharma and having complete faith.

Rinpoche is my connection to the Buddhas and Bodhisattvas. I am nothing without my guru. Rinpoche is unlimited and I am powerless. I have been Rinpoche’s student for more than ten years I cannot imagine a life without Rinpoche.

This is a summary of the answers I gave to the committee when they asked me questions. I was granted permission to make offerings again. I am so grateful. I would like to thank the committee members, group leaders, contact people and all dharma brothers for all their help and Rinpoche’s continuous blessing that makes all else possible.

I deeply repent for all the harm my family and I have done to other sentient beings and for all our killing karma and all the karma I have created. I repent for following the wrong dharma for so long. I repent for all my crime and evil. I repent for not donating to Rinpoche’s monastery immediately and for all my slander towards Rinpoche and the dharma.

Thank you to his Eminence Rinchen Dorjee Rinpoche for your blessing that made it possible and for allowing me to repent and praise the guru.May his Eminence Rinchen Dorjee and his Holiness have long lives. May he quickly gather resources to finish building his monastery. May the Buddhas and bodhisattvas and the lineage gurus turn the dharma wheel.
Thank you for listening.

Respectfully written by Patricia MacDonald, Group Four, On June 1, 2024

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Updated on June 5, 2024