234: Rinchen Dorjee Rinpoche granted me new life

June 24, 2006, Cathay General Hospital has issued me a diagnosis with only “nasopharyngeal cancer” word on it, I ask doctor the cause and only responded with “you are out of luck”! Even in this modern medical era, due to no such family history with this medical record, I don’t know how to react right after I receive this answer.

Awaiting for confirm diagnosis

I don’t drink and I don’t smoke, I feel so depressed and frighten for obtaining this diagnosis. During the diagnose period, due to my rare conditions and symptoms, many times I was treated like a clinical experiment. It wasn’t a very pleasant experience. However, thinking afterwards, if this may help everyone to comprehend more about this disease, maybe it’s all worth it.

Right after the confirmation, I didn’t cry, only thinking calmly for how am I going to face my life? Doctor told me that I might choose any hospital for making the radioactive treatment with his prescription. However, I didn’t have any related sources, so I felt helpless; the only thing I could do was to rely on web searching for all hospital schedules of the treatment. Finally, I decided to take the treatment from Buddhist Tzu Chi General Hospital Tumor Radiology department, which I felt I might be treated much warmer there than normal ice-cold feeling from any other hospital. On June 26, I went to Tzu Chi General Hospital alone, while waiting for my treatment; I stared at the surrounding pale post-treated patient and felt from bottom of my heart ”This is like a living hell”.

The cause to meet Rinchen Dorjee Rinpoche

Due to doubts and anxiety, I called my friend fellow apprentices Cheng Ho Ming who worked in the insurance company, thinking he might knew better about hospital procedure. I told him that I got cancer and asked, “Which hospital is better?? Tzu Chi or Tri-Service”? He answered without hesitation “none of them” and asked if I would go to see someone. I cried so emotionally that I didn’t even hear whom he was referring to. I was thinking to wait and see what happen after my treatment; however, deep down in my heart, I felt I should be all right. Thanks to my friend’s enthusiast ion! He came to the hospital right away and told me that I should go seeking Rinchen Dorjee Rinpoche. He also told me many stories about Rinchen Dorjee Rinpoche helping all living beings, and wished I can live up the confidence to give myself another option. Suddenly I saw the light and really want to meet Rinchen Dorjee Rinpoche. I had decided to forfeit all doctor appointments and seeking another remedy option.

I unconsciously start crying when I first saw Rinchen Dorjee Rinpoche; further I express my cancer with vulnerable feeling. I thought I might responded with some comfort, but only saw Rinchen Dorjee Rinpoche smiling back at me, and addressed with “cancer does not necessary means death, your illness is due to the cause from the past and now it start to form, however, it all depend with yourself on what kind of result you want, you still have time to think”. If you want to seek for Buddhist guidance, first, you need determination and you can’t have undecided mind. Rinchen Dorjee Rinpoche then reminding me with cautious; every decision I made needs to be agreed by my family, which means I can’t just think for myself. At the mercy of Rinchen Dorjee Rinpoche, I am allowed to obtain the “Confession” tape for personal viewing, hoping for better comprehension and gain more confidence for seeking Buddhist guidance again.

Attending ceremony

Ever since my husband and I starting attending ceremony, my nasal bleeding problem progressively cease and shows no signs of bleeding afterward, and feel much comfort.
Later seeking Rinchen Dorjee Rinpoche again, he attentively express to me “ you looked much better, some of the cause had already been resolved”. I was just a believer and really didn’t know how lucky I am to receive all these bless and help in such a short time. I am so grateful for the attention from Rinchen Dorjee Rinpoche and Buddha.

Ignorant for not to treasure

After the condition settles, I started to put my selfish heart on desire and rapacity, forgot to do the proper assignment, and never truly confess and actively granting donation. On Nov. 3, my condition start making changes, I felt swelling on my left side of neck, with head aching and fever symptom, I started to get worry. Next day, I rush to see Rinchen Dorjee Rinpoche, merciful Rinchen Dorjee Rinpoche immediately gave me bless and granted a precious nectar pill, I felt much better after I took the nectar pill.

Nov. 6, Even though my neck was still swelling, I continue to work. However, that night my upper neck and back of my head felt strongly in pain and the swelling starts to amplify, troubling to open my mouth and difficult to swallow. The pain is so strong that make it impossible for me to fall to sleep. We went to seek Rinchen Dorjee Rinpoche again on the second day, once again, Rinchen Dorjee Rinpoche gave me a precious nectar pill and told me: “ if you can’t eat then just try to eat little by little”. That night, my symptom got better, even though I still cannot eat anything (I feel pain even from just drinking water), but I start to be able to sleep for a while.

Nov. 8, I wake up with a bigger swell on my neck and continually slight fever; we went to seek Rinchen Dorjee Rinpoche again. This time, Rinchen Dorjee Rinpoche gave us a harsh preaches: You only want to depend on the Rinchen Dorjee Rinpoche and don’t want to pay the cause back to yourself! You just want to be recovered without feeling any pain, don’t even mention to build up some future fortune! The disease of your nose has not being eliminated, but it won’t affect your brain when it transfers to your neck! Rinchen Dorjee Rinpoche also punished my husband and me for not attending the long awaiting converted ceremony that week. We were really frightened by the lesson and that when we realized ashamed for how greedy we are.

Can’t be converted to become a Buddhist made me nervous and feel ashamed, all I can do is to go back and truly confess and hoping to seek for Rinchen Dorjee Rinpoche again on Saturday. However, I am hesitating to go with my husband and just stay home to hope Rinchen Dorjee Rinpoche may forgive us. My husband came back and told me how Rinchen Dorjee Rinpoche was worrying and concerning about my absence. When my husband granted donation and wishing Rinchen Dorjee Rinpoche acceptance, he denied and responded: “I will accept your donation after you converted”, with all these time Rinchen Dorjee Rinpoche knew what we wanted and at the end he fulfill our wish.

New experience every week

Once Rinchen Dorjee Rinpoche told me the reason for my cancer; which was in one of my past life, I was a hunter who harms many living beings. I was suffering the pain from my swelling in the entire November. I can clearly felt how I was abusing beings due to I felt the pain on the neck was concentrating on one certain spot, which felt liked being stabbed. In the following week, I felt a robe strapped my neck really tight. The continuing week, I felt my skin was so stiff just like the broiled animal body. Only until I experienced the pain, I then realized the harm that I brought to the being.

The Swell like an Egg

The last week in the November, the swell on my neck had become as big as an egg, and it got bigger and bigger every day, which just like breeding a new life. We observed it everyday, in the end it got so big that we thought it would break anytime. I felt depended on my Buddhism conversion, I confess to the Rinchen Dorjee Rinpoche’s picture everyday: I’ll face up the whole situation, I’ll pay the debt for whatever it should be, I shall suffer as much as it should be, I pray for clear the debt as early as possible. I confess to the whole being that I’ve ever harmed during my entire illness, I truly hope they can receive my determination for paying the debt.

December 1st, the swell had finally broken. I felt so relieved because it was humongous big that I really don’t know how to handle. The swell started to heal within a week; my neck can move normally and finally I can open my mouth to eat something.

Forever appreciation to the father like Rinchen Dorjee Rinpoche

Until today, December 20th, I’m almost recovered. I am so thankful for my personal illness, without this illness I wouldn’t have chance to embrace to the immense virtue Rinchen Dorjee Rinpoche and further learning Buddhist doctrine. Not just once Rinchen Dorjee Rinpoche allowing me to realize cancer is not a big deal, most of all is how you comprehend from it. Even though I’m scolded all the time when ever I went seeking Rinchen Dorjee Rinpoche, even sometimes being denied. However, I always obtain the chance to re- start and non- stop lecturing. I wonder the father like Rinchen Dorjee Rinpoche must have the thought from hoping us to grow up and to react from our blindness as quick as possible. Once again, I really appreciate for Rinchen Dorjee Rinpoche granting me a whole new life!

Witten by Gao Caihui, a disciple of the Glorious Jewel Buddhist Center on November 20, 2006.

Updated on February 2, 2009